listening to the organ-grinder

13^th December, 6:00am

This morning I woke early to work on some writing. I always liked getting up with the crack of the sun, the brisk morning air, the way the dawn is slightly magical with frost. I used to wake up early every morning when I was at university, go downstairs while it was of so quiet, make tea, come back up, stretch, meditate and then read.

            Then I lost touch with that habit and I lost touch with the energy of living purposefully. This has made me restless and slightly depressed. So this morning I woke early. Same voice came back as it always used to; "it's too early and this bed is so comfortable" and so forth. I know you know that one too. As I lay on my back I could feel the slight pooling of liquid in my kidney, a tension that is not exactly painful and not exactly reassuring either. My right kidney doesn't function like a normal kidney, it functions as the slightly oddly formed kidney that it is, therefore still functioning perfectly but it's a perfection I'd rather do without. So a voice came up for that too; "why did I have surgery if it didn't resolve anything?" Perhaps I'm being dramatic. The surgeon did say after all that it had stopped me from needing emergency care and I guess the side effect is that it will prompt me to look after my health where I may not have been inclined to before. Anyway, there's that voice.

          
          I got up, made tea, said good morning to me beautiful cat Willow and also the new kitten Loki aka Smudge came onto the bath while I was dutifully having my morning urination and I said hello to her too, she purred and looked happy as I stroked her. I barely hit the seat, so we were both winners today. There's that voice though; "I've got this for life". This kidney. What will happen to it, to me, in the future? Did the medical staff withhold information from me about the effects this will have in the future? Then as I set to work on some editing I came across this in a talk by my friend;

"Today, I thought it was very interesting to hear Ken's concluding remarks pointing right at the experience that gets right at the heart of the matter.  In Mahamudra language, Ken was talking about the situation that he was facing in terms of his physical embodiment, whereby he seemingly had two choices in each moment.  One was to identify with the obstacle, and as he put it, that was a kind of catastrophic course.  There's no end to the voices of complaint that could go along with that choice. The other option is to recognize that one is not that.  That one is actually something completely unconditioned, completely non-conceptual, completely unbound by the limitations of form.  One is empty.  In our tradition, we talk about this as co-emergent wisdom.  We say that in each mind moment of experience we are presented with two options.  One option is solidification, the other option is freedom." 

Oh yeah. So easy to forget.

Oh, and why have I dreamt for the second time about Dzongsar Jamyang Khyentse ice-staking?